Just another day...

They say it's only a number, just another day like any other, but it's not - at least not to me. I've just celebrated (?) my 50th birthday, and to be honest, I'm not ready for it!

I would have thought that by the time I was fifty I would have a lot more things together, more figured out, with more wisdom and clarity. And I suppose to a degree I have. But seriously, in my head I'm still thirty and trying to make sense of this world.

In my ’zen’ moments I contemplate the reality that the older I get the less I know. They tell me that is wisdom, and maybe it is, but I really don't feel particularly wise. I know I've learned a heck of a lot over the course of my life, but I thought I would have far more clarity about life than I do. The truth is that despite all I have learned and all I have experienced I feel just as confused with the randomness of life as I ever have. 

I think that for so many, if not all of us, life doesn't work out like we expected it would. There are goals and dreams and hopes that I have had throughout my life that haven't eventuated and probably never will. I recently let go of my dream to open the batting for Australia, although despite my near-sightedness and lack of hand-eye-coordination the state of our national team suggests I may have to re-visit that particular dream (I'm still available Mickey Arthur...).

There are many ways in which my life hasn't panned out as expected. Now don't get me wrong - I'm happy. I am deeply in love with my wife, we have a wonderful marriage, I'm crazy about my kids, find fulfillment in my vocation (mostly!), and have a circle of friends that I appreciate and value. So yes, I'm happy, but my half-century has provided an occasion to reflect on the dreams that I held as a twenty and thirty year old and recognise that my life doesn't look like I thought it would....I don't look like I thought I would.

I'm still me!

Despite the fact that I told our church last week that I have changed for the better over the course of my life (and I have), in many ways I still suck, even though, by God's grace, I suck less every day. So in this reflective state I ask myself and God, “What happened? Why is it my plans and dreams didn't work out?”

There are many answers to this question, but I think the over-arching reality is found in Proverbs 16:9, “In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.” The course of my life has been to serve and honour God as best I could, but the ways that has worked out has been determined by the steps by which God has led me.

I have had many dreams and goals, some of them I have accomplished, others I haven't, but throughout my life I can see the hand of God. There are times he has nudged me, times he has explicitly led me, times I have suffered the consequences of my decisions, and times he has miraculously and graciously intervened for my benefit. Although my plans may not have included all of the struggles and difficulties, the highs and the lows, the joy and contentment, the many events that have made up my fifty years (that still seems like such an mature number), God’s big story of my life has brought me to this place; a place where I am happy and hopefully have developed compassion and tolerance and integrity and resilience and faithfulness.

To be honest, the thought of my fiftieth birthday was one of those ’moments’ in life. I think it troubled me more than it should have. But here I am, on the other side, no longer reflecting on what might have been, but overwhelmed by what I have. 

Because God has established my steps.