Two mothers walk into a...

...life. I know, it sounds like the start of some sad 'dad' joke, but Sunday was Mother's Day, and I was reflecting on the two mothers who have been important in my life: my mother, and my wife. They are two women, two mothers, who walked into my life, for which I will be eternally thankful.

My mother grew up in a little village in England. I'm not sure how she viewed herself growing up. She had two sisters, Elsie and Doris, and one brother, George. I don't know if her identity was as a sister or as the daughter of Bill and Mary, but eventually she met the man who become become her husband and my father and she gained an identity - Tom's wife.

It seems strange, but that's how Mum self-identified, and even how she later described herself for the twenty-one years they were married before my father died. She was Tom's wife. 

And then, one day, Tom was gone. I have a vivid memory of being told my dad had died, and, after some thought, racing downstairs to see my mum even though I had been told to stay in my room. I think my aunt meant well, I think she didn't want me to see the distress my mum was in, the completely out-of-control grief of a woman whose whole life had collapsed. 

She was sitting on a dining chair surrounded by relatives. She was moaning and weeping and rocking and resisting all attempts to calm her down. No one saw me as I edged closer, until I slipped through and knelt in front of her, grasped her legs and put my head on her lap. I didn't know what to do, I didn't cry, I just knelt there.

My mum always remembered the story like this: that her world and life was over and all she wanted to do was to die. She didn't know if she would have done anything, but she simply knew that with my father gone she didn't want to live any more. She just wanted to shut down and slip away. But then I put my head on her lap, and an internal voice cut through all her grief and pain, "You have to live for Tom's son."

Did you get that? Tom's son. She didn't even primarily identify as my mum, she was Tom's wife and I was his son. That set the tone for the next season of her life, she was no longer Tom's wife, she was now Jeremy's mum. Her identity still wasn't her own, it was linked to her role as a mother.

My mum was a strong, determined, sometimes obstinate but always compassionate woman who, with no training, ran the family business during and after my father' death, raised me, provided for me, moved across the world to give me the possibility of a better life, resisted any attempts to manipulate or coerce her (salesmen watch out!), and became the strong, dependable friend for many in times of struggle and difficulty.

A day came, I don't know when, but the day came she found out who she was. She was Joyce, and she found herself by identifying with someone else, someone who wasn't a husband or a son but was her Lord. My mum discovered her identity through her faith in Christ.

My wife is very different to my mum. Her childhood was different. It was difficult, full of painful memories. She grew up, got married and became the mother of four amazing children (that's not just a dad speaking, they really are!). Due to life experiences and the challenges they presented she has faced darkness and hopelessness. She has journeyed through that dark valley and rather than it breaking her, has found a way for that struggle to temper her and form her into the incredible woman she is today.

My wife is a strong woman, a compassionate woman, a determined and sometimes obstinate woman who is an example for our daughter and other young women in our community. I don't think she ever found her her identity in others the way my mother did, but I think she hid her identity, unsure of just who she was and lacking the confidence to truly be Vicki.

Today she is Vicki. She is brilliant and creative and generous and is achieving things she subconsciously always knew she could, but lacked the confidence and internal permission to attempt. I could write much more about my wife, but what is important is this, she found her identity through her faith in Christ.

Two mothers walked into a life, my life, two strong women whose identity and presence in the world was shaped and released through Jesus. They were/are his girls.

I wrote that last sentence, even though I don't like it or particularly agree with its inference. God's girls, what on earth does that mean? To be honest it sounds patronising, as if we have graciously let them into a club where they really don't belong but think it will make them feel a bit special. I don't like the whole, 'princess - daughter of a king' description floating around today, even if it's coupled with the idea of being a 'warrior princess' (images of Xena and leather and swords and an irritating side-kick flash into view). I don't like these descriptions, God's girls and princesses, because they fall far short of the incredible description that is given is the Bible, the description that empowers women and forges an identity that makes them strong and confident and fierce (yes, thank you Tyra and Next Top Model).

I'm all for inclusive language in translating the scriptures, but there's one aspect that is so often lost. One example, "But to all who receive him - all who believe in his name - he has given the right to become God's children" (Jn. 1:12). Yes, but no. God has done away with the social constructs imposed by gender (Gal. 3:28, Acts 2:17), yet he has given the right to be sons of God, as the original says. Without unpacking the whole cultural context suffice to say that a son had rights and privileges a daughter didn't, but in Christ we all, male and female, have been welcomed as sons with all the rights and privileges that implies.

There are, however, current cultural and social difficulties with referring to women as sons. There is the implication they have to be other than they are to gain acceptance and value. So perhaps a better way to think of this whole-hearted welcome into the life of the trinity is that we are all, male and female, heirs of God.

Two mothers walk into a life as women who have found their identity in the one who frees them to confidently face life as heirs of God. They are women, they are mothers, and they are/were* followers of Jesus who have found their true selves as Christ is formed in them.

Thankfully my daughter is like her mother and grandmother. She is strong, confident, determined, and sometimes a little obstinate (ok, that might be from me), she is a young woman who has found her identity in Christ.

What of the women in your world? What of the mothers and daughters and wives and sisters and friends around you? What of the mothers, the women who walk into your life? What of the men? What of the fathers and sons and husbands and brothers and friends around you? How are you encouraging them, men and women, to find themselves, their identity, their strength and presence in the one who seeks to free them to be 'children and heirs of God.'

*My mother passed away in February 1997.